I have conceded that in order to truly have an indept understanding of the love of God for us as humans, you need to have a child – biological, adopted, godchild etc. I know that statement is debatory but honestly I do believe it. I thought I knew how much Jesus loves me but not until I had my son did I know what it feels like to be so inlove with something of your own that you would do anything to protect it at all cost. I am certain my husband can say the same. We both love each other but the love a parent has for a child is totally different from the love each parent has for each other.
Motherhood itself is truly a trip. There are many books in this day and age that give us ideas of what to do when…but really, no one can ever teach a woman on how to be a mom. It’s an on-the-job-training course. Somedays are honestly great and others just hmm…not so great. All in all it can definately be one of the most exciting journeys a woman can ever undertake.
As for me, I never thought I would ever be a mom. Matter of fact, I never wanted to be a mom. I just believed (biological) motherhood was simply not for me. I have alot of spiritual children (for whom surprizingly I find time to look after) and that was perfect in my eyes. My thoughts were that I am much too forward minded, goal oriented and simply too organized to have my world thrown in a whirl by the responsibilities of taking care of a child. (I know what thats called – SELFISH) On the other side of it, I was way, way, way scared of all the horrors I heard about childbirth, (shreik). So that was the final straw that broke the camel’s back for me. I never dreamed I would have a child, ever until I met my husband. After we began to date, I realized he is passionate about kids, matter of fact, he is so inlove with children (and vice versa) that persons have told him he would not father any of his own. Recognizing this, I know then that my priorities and mindsets had to change. Ok…sooo, I will consider having children but after I have gotten all my degrees, in the alloted time too. (I know what thats also called – SELFISH). Then God began to reveal his will through visions concerning my life and a baby that his alloted time and mine were different…i wasn’t ready so i paid no attention. Then it was prophesied…i still wasn’t ready. Then medically I was told but… no still not ready. Finally, God began to graciously speak gently and softly to me. He said “it is time”. He told me it would be a boy and several other things about him. He said it is his will for me at the time and since I wanted to obey his will, sheepishly, I obeyed. My husband agreed and now we have our son. So you see I have come a long way. My now 13 week old son is just my joy and passion – next to the Lord ofcourse.
The other day my son NJ was just not having the best of days. Three times within a short period of time he soiled his diaper. I was real annoyed by the third time in that hour because I was tired, sleep depraved and so drained that I felt at my wits end to be cleaning and changing right after the other in such short succession. It was just small portions at a time and though I know better, it just felt like he was provoking me and I just had it! The third time I laid him down with a real look of frustration and aggravation then proceeded to take off the diaper. After a deep breath to calm myself and dispel the ridiculous evil thoughts of provocation from his little innocent self, I paused and looked at him. At that moment he stopped the gamboling and frolicing and curved up the most beautiful smiles I had ever seen. It simply melted my heart and all I could do was to laugh and kiss him. All my irritations and frustrations left in that moment and was replaced with immense love. Even the fact that I still had to change the dirty diaper did not matter any more. I just smiled and went ahead.
Then the Lord spoke to me and said: “if your child, who in your eyes did you wrong in innocense might I say and caused you aggravation and in another moment bring you such pleasure, that you are so overwhelmed with love and adoration for him, how do you think I feel? I cannot but love my children…my creation for whom I died even when they do me wrong with blatant acknowledgement”. I thought about it for a moment then said “yes Lord…i do understand”.
You know what? Its true, real true. God is love and cannot but love! no matter what you do He still loves and cares for you. Here is the key: He doesn’t love the wrong but he is a lover of the one who has done the wrong. I hope today you will remember that no matter what you have done, doing or will do, God deeply loves you. Never doubt that…EVER!