Monthly Archives: May 2012

Fact Keeper or Truth Seeker? Part 1

Love is wonderful yet terrible thing.  If you have ever been hurt by someone then you can understand that statement.  Before meeting my husband I had the Devil’s brother for a boyfriend [soon to be husband] or so I had thought.

I met someone who I was certain was sent by God.  Man, we were in love but now I reminisce and realize we were actually “in lust”. Lol.  Anyway, it never ended so well as I found out that this guy graduated Magna cum laude from “The School For Compulsive Liars”.   The relationship that started out as a simple friendship ended in brokenness and tears.

I decided I did not want anybody in my life after all I underwent. Seriously being rejected by my church and friends due this relationship. I had so much pent up pain, hurt and regrets inside of me that I could not function within my destiny.  Felt like the entire world had turned against me.  I would leave work late in the nights and leave for work early so I never had the chance to encounter anyone. I eventually had to leave my church to go to an unknown church that God had shown and sent me and that’s where I was healed and delivered so that my life could go on purposefully.  That took almost a year and just when I was comfortably thankful in this new church family and was being drafted to sing on the worship team [which was a huge deal] and do other stuff within that church, the Lord told me it was time to return to my old church to “forgive and mend the shattered past I had left there”. I thought to myself  “Just kill me Jesus rather than sentencing me to such cruelty”.  You cannot begin to imagine how difficult that was for me to return after the way they had treated me. Good Lord!  I tarried for weeks. I DID NOT WANT TO RETURN – I WAS TOTALLY BITTER AGAINST THEM.

You need to understand the public humiliation and disgrace they caused in my life. Let me give you one scenario:  While I was dating the guy the then pastor, went on the podium just before public service was closed and just announced “Well, today we will choose a new youth leader, Family Life Ministry secretary and Choir leader”  Those were all positions I held within the church. Just like that.  Nobody had called me in a private meeting to brief me that this was going to be done and so tell me to be prepared or something like that. My church family began looking at me some nodding approvingly, while others clapped and some just stared at me and laughed while the visitors were wondering what in earth is happening.  Then the gossiping and pointing of finger in my direction began. You see, they all believed my behaviour with this guy was inappropriate and so I should be relieved of those positions and that is the procedure that the process took. Smile, Amazing.  Funny thing is, it so happened that the guy’s car broke down at my gate after a date and was there for a while since the part that he needed to fix it, he did not get and was told he had to wait for at least 3 days before it would arrive. He said a wrecking service would be too expensive (which is honestly true) so he parked it in my yard and left it there. In reality the part actually took a whole week so He was not at my house but his car was in my yard. My mom was away on vacation and so only my friend (who is 10 years my senior) and I were home. You could see how the wrong conclusions could have been drawn. Easily!

Albeit nobody bothered to even ask me what was going on.  I made sure the guy never even visited during this time nor did we go out together, fearing someone would see and have more ammunition with which to shoot me.  That didn’t matter.  I was coffined for that act of foolishness [allowing his car to be left there for such a long time] and buried for unrighteousness and immorality – of course.

You know, I have learnt a lot from my experiences in life, negative and positive alike.  One of the greatest  is “things are not always as they appear to be”.  Watching movies like, CSI, Law and Order also NCIS have taught me that too.  Sometimes, even when the apparent evidence tells one story, the truth is always usually hidden below the surface.

The same applies to God’s word – The Bible. I have come to realize that many people read the bible but never actually “RE-EE-AD THE BIBLE”.  God’s truth/ revelation is usually hidden beneath the surface of the words. It has to be unveiled and revealed. That comes through a deep searching for Him not just the facts or evidences of what was read. So you can have people who know their bible in verbatim but don’t believe in the Author of the bible.  They have no revelation of the truth because they never left the surface to find the Truth-Teller. So they make their own deductions and judgments simply off facts and not truth. Fact is never the best place to stop.  Seek the truth. Jesus is the Way to truth while being Truth in and of himself.  That’s awesome!  So when you find Him, you’ve literally found it all.

Let me encourage you today to get deeper into whatever venture you are involved. Push yourself. There is a level greater than fact.  It’s called truth. Remember, things are not always as they appear to be. So tell me are you a truth seeker or a fact keeper?



Well after my hurrah about feelings, breakthrough and whatnot, I am back on track – kinda. I realise that God loves us so much that He has already arranged everything that we need for life and godliness.  [2nd Peter 1:3]  It reminded me of a previous post I did 2 years ago called “CLICK”.  I wanna just repost it for those who never got a chance to read it.  Hope it will encourage you as it’s doing to me right now.

When I got my son’s stroller I was extremely happy.  His godmother shipped it from the US and I could not wait to see it.  It was supposed to be top of  the Disney line brand furnished with the car seat and playpen as one complete set.  [Exciting] Oh how quickly I wanted it assembled so NJ could get his first ride in it.  The car seat is able to attach to the stroller to make one and so when we are out, I can be looking straight at NJ face to face.  I had never seen one like that before so I was really eager and thrilled to have gotten it for him.

Ohh I loved it: perfect colour, perfect texture, perfect padding, perfect Winnie Pooh drawings even the toys that came with it was perfect…perfect, perfect, PERFECT!  I began to assemble it based on the instructions and one by one little by little everything began falling into place.  (yaay)  Then it happened – a crux.  According to the instruction, there was a whole section that I needed to do that I had to find two little connectors called cotter pins and I could not find them. (oh no!)  I searched everywhere but could not locate the little things.  I began to wonder if it was possibly lost at the Wharf since the box was ransacked while we were waiting to clear the items or maybe they fell out in the vehicle or… I don’t know.  (I was saddened)   Then I realized that based on where the instructions said the part was located in the wheel  it really could not have gotten lost so easily.  Then it hit me that maybe I was not looking deep enough in the area.  So I got a tool and began to pry the wheel open to see if the little cotter pins were embedded and maybe that’s why I could not see them.  To my horror, the area I was trying to open was revealing the gears which should not be showing and so I was actually destroying the wheel.  (oh Jesus)   I was so frustrated!  Finally, after about an hour I gave the search a rest.  I decided to take a break, have something to eat and continue afterwards.  I read and reread the instructions.  I could go no further unless I found those two little pins.  I prayed for help and guidance and for another hour or more I did everything possible to find them all without hope. Eventually I gave up – I felt defeated.  I wanted to surprise my husband by doing it myself and that was not about to happen. (I was real disappointed)

Somewhere on the inside I kept feeling like the Holy Spirit was saying I should connect the wheels without looking for the part any further.  Having gone so far and now being stuck I thought to myself, “you know it cannot hurt.  Afterwards I will just take off the wheel and when my husband comes see if he can help me”. According to my understanding of the manual the wheels should not even be able to connect unless the cotter pins are joined.  So really I had nothing more to lose.  So I took up the wheels placed it on as instructed and to my surprise I heard “CLICK” (What??)   So I took up the other and followed suite “CLICK”(Huh?)  I checked and checked and rechecked only to find out that that specific area to be assembled was pre-done based on the type of  Travel System purchased and so all I needed to do was move to the next step. (I was extremely relieved and overjoyed well more like ecstatic.)

Then the Holy Spirit spoke to me gently and said: “This is exactly what is happening to the world today.  All that my people need was already provided through the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus yet people fail to just accept my salvation and all it brings and simply move on into living for me.  Some think they have to work so hard to get it as if their works will save them when its my grace through their faith.  Others – like you just now, don’t know the blood of Jesus provides everything they need so they give up because they seem to be stuck and unable to move from one place in their life.  When all they need to do is surrender all to me and trust in faith that I will show them the way out. Didn’t My word say “the just shall live by faith?”. [Gal. 3:11]   Even some others are unwilling to seek for Me because seeking takes time and effort when all I want to do in their search is show them great and mighty unknown things so their joy can be full.  Isn’t that what true revelation is?  But I do tell you today my daughter all that you need and will ever need is already provided.  It is wrapped up in the package of love called Jesus Christ and those who do earnestly seek for Him despite all odds, in spite of all odds and through all odds shall surely find Him”.

After I heard the Holy Spirit I smiled.  I realised its all true.  Based on the death that Jesus suffered for us in that he was sinless but became sin for us so we could be approved and made righteous, all we need and will ever need was provided through Him.   2 Corinthians 5:21  says – “God had Christ, who was sinless, take our sin so that we might receive God’s approval through him”. GWB   Therefore all we will ever need is surely wrapped in Jesus.  I do not know what your need is today but here is a “deep” advice:  It is all in Jesus.  How do we get it out you might ask. Well  in addition to your intimate relationship and worshipful lifestyle all you need is faith.  These combined you will surely get your spiritual CLICK and you will know you have just been connected, yep! your provision is on the way. (Hallelujah – “Halah to Yahweh!”)

copyright© 2010


The Specialists

Today, I am feeling a little sad.  I don’t even feel much like writing.  Sigh.  When you feel like everything is just taking longer than they are supposed to, harder than they’re supposed to and it appears as if everyone is moving at the speed of light in getting to their purpose and destiny except you, you may be able to understand how I am feeling right now. [long deep Sigh] You know you are doing all that you are supposed to, being all that you are supposed to be in Jesus, but you are taking forever to get a breakthrough – it hurts.  Really does! A mean all you need is a seemingly simple, small,  shimmer of breakthrough. Is that so hard? [sigh]  I am just being real about how I feel today. Honestly.

I believe God can and will do the impossible but sometimes I get so impatient, when it appears that they who are living double standard lifestyles with much immorality and unrighteousness are prospering and you are abiding in God by faith through His grace and you’re getting no where – or little or no where to be exact 😦

It’s draining really to ponder these things.  I know Psalms 73 tells us about Asaph’s problem with feeling like I am about the wicked but in the end it all worked out perfectly when he got the revelation of the final days for those who are ungodly and workers of evil, so he was comforted. Tell me though does it end likewise when the persons are Christians?  A mean does it?  AHHHH…. Headaching!

Well, I believe like Asaph had a change of direction, I too just had one. Literally!  You see as I am writing this, I am also doing laundry so I just left to unload and reload some clothes when something wonderful happened.  My husband lost his pocket holder almost a week now, with all his important cards – credit cards, ID, drivers license  and so forth.   I had a dream yesterday morning that I found it hidden in a deep compartment of some kind.  In the dream I said “Ah Lord. My husband man, so typical of him”.   When I awoke I actually paid no attention to the dream because I thought it was somehow resting on my mind and so my subconscious concocted something you know.  So I went to unload his pants when I felt something deep inside one of his pockets – ta daah…the holder.  So I said “Ah Lord, my husband man, So typical of him”. Immediately the dream returned and I went “oh Good Lord Almighty! I dreamed it!  I totally dreamed it!  Oh wow”  and began to laugh, all of the sadness, I have been feeling all day suddenly disappeared.  Lol.  Another dream has come to pass right before my very eyes.  😀

I realised my friend, that you know what? GOD IS GOD. HE IS ALMIGHTY AND CAN DO ALL THINGS.  He once told me when I asked why is all the things that he has shown me taking so long to manifest even in the simplest of forms and he said “When you specialize in an area of life you need longer training than those who generalize”  I totally understood the concept because the surgeon I used to work for was a specialist and he would tell us his story that when all his friends were finished with school he had several years to go.  He told us that many times he felt like giving up because they were all finished and were making money but he was still struggling with a few years to go.  It was hard to hold on but he knew what he truly wanted deep inside so he persevered despite the negative feelings, discouraging influences and all the odds that were stacked against him.

I have come to recognize that to ‘specialize’ means spending lengthy, concentrated time and energy devoted to every tiny teeny area of that field in order to be able to know it ends in and out rather than general, surface  knowledge.  We would get all the patients from those doctors who could not perform the surgeries due to the fact they were not surgeons or specialists. For example: A General Dentist would refer their patients to a Dental Surgeon or a General Practitioner a brain issue to a Neurosurgeon. You get the idea right?   To specialize always takes a longer time but the rewards are equally superb because from a financial or employment angle you will reap twice or thrice what the others are making because they will have to send them to you or come to you themselves.  That’s Awesome!

So if God is working on you for a while now and nothing seems to be manifesting as yet, and you know you are being obedient and walking by faith through His grace, don’t worry about it. Just consider yourself one of  “The Specialists”.

Pain or Gain

I have often heard the saying “no pain, no gain”.  It works with so many things in life.  For example whenever I go to get my hair done, going under the hair dryer is like a pain in all the wrong places.  Sheesh!  I totally hate it but I want to look good, put together and represent my God and my husband well, so it’s necessary for that to happen.

Let’s look at something else.  If we want to get our education then we have to “suffer through the pain” of all the required years to earn our various degrees.  It usually gets so much more difficult when we are nearing the end.  We feel drained, tired, overwhelmed, frustrated and all but we usually encourage ourselves into finishing, knowing we only have one year or one term or one month left so we push ourselves into completion.  We know that we must finish because it is necessary to move to another level in life.

I find it fascinating that it seems like only the things of God, that people tend to believe should ‘come easy’.  I have found that people do not want to work hard and push themselves into the next level in God because “it’s just too hard”.  I realize that there is little or no motivation to see it through to the end. Everything distracts us and everyone seemingly depresses us.  Where is our own motivation? Where is our own inspiration?  You know after about 20 years of pushing himself and constantly reaching for the prize of the high calling into the things of God, Paul attained it and was able to proclaim “It’s no longer I that lives but Christ in me” Gal 2:20.  Awesome. Christ is infinite so there is no highest or deepest.  All there is higher and deeper.  That makes it so much more exciting because we know that there is always more to discover and achieve. He found that all the pain was worth it all because he gained the knowledge of Christ.

I understand this clearly.  On my journey with my Jesus He’s allowed me to experience many supernatural and preternatural things. After going to heaven many times, encountering angels, fighting with demons and human spirits within the endless world of the spirit realm and many other things, I realize there is more to living for God than just going to church, so I began to press into the pain to gain a knowledge of them myself. It’s awesome.  It’s much pain, loneliness, frustration, lots of REJECTION AND MISJUDGEMENT, hurts, heartaches, trial and errors, failures,  persecution, trials oohh and the temptations; whew… a mean you name it.  Much pain.  What I have gained though is totally priceless. Who I have gained, A Friend! His name is Jesus! Invaluable.  Worth it all!  Now they, who have despised me, come to me to get even a glimpse of Him.  Isn’t that amazing.

If you truly come into the Friendship of God, there is no way you can just walk away without even attempting to get to the next level.  You will not like the aches but when you realize all there is to obtain, I believe with all my heart you will stick with it. You have to dig deep with much sweat and maybe tears to find buried treasures.  The value of that treasure I am sure will all be worth your hard work.  So let me remind you today that  No Pain, No Gain also refers to the adventurous Christian journey in life on earth.  Remember, when all is said and done it truly is a journey not a destination.

The Dish of Justice

I believe sometimes we think that God is not concerned with injustices that are done to us through the enemy working in the lives of people. This is so not true. God is totally concerned because He says “…Whoever touches you touches the apple of his eye”. Zechariah 2:8 – GW.  I have proof of this which I want to share just now. Brace yourself.

When I was in high school there was an awful incident that was happening in my area. I lived in a rather quiet and uneventful neighbourhood so this occurrence was like a real nightmare. There was a rapist who decided that he would get to any woman he wanted to by of course taking “it” by force.  It was horrible.  All of us females were in danger. He raped a lady once by tying her up, violating her all night into the morning, sleep in her bed, re started and left at dawn all the while she was still tied up. Once we found out we were quite dismayed and feared for ourselves as females.  At that time, I lived with my mom alone so we were even in more danger. The police never could arrest him because his face was never ever revealed.

Anyway, I kinda forgot about it for a while and went on with my daily life as usual. One evening I was coming from school and stopped at the bus stop to shelter the rain. I saw a lot of persons sheltering including a couple of men and young men but I was not one who was conversant with them.  Usually I just say “hello” and go on my merry way. This day was no different except this man decided to “give me a talk”.  Unknown to me, I was encountering the enemy.  “Hi baby, how you do?”  “I am good thank you”  “So come over here and mek we talk no man”.  “I am ok where I am”  “So is what? You feel you better than talking with me?”  “Sir, it has nothing to do with being better than you.  I am ok where I am and do not wish to communicate with you here or over there”  He continued: “But is what this now? She feel like say she a angel and me a what? [hisses his teeth in annoyance] Aa-yyy, lemme tell yah something girl…”  At this point I decided I would much rather walk home in the rain than listen to him.  So I said “excuse me, I am now leaving”.  Those who were standing before me parted themselves like the Red Sea did for the children of Israel and I walked out in the rain.

While being pelted with massive rain drops I reflected on the insolence of this man and shook my head.  When I reached home I was soaking wet but preferred that any day to being insulted and hit upon by this fein.  Into the wee hours of the night, I studied a bit then decided to retire.  I was real excited about sleeping in my room that night because my mom had just bought me my first bed and I was eager to sleep on it.  To make a long story short, I went to bed and about 3:00am I was awakened to my horror realizing that there was somebody else crawling into my bed.   At first I thought I was dreaming so I rubbed my eyes and recognized I was not dreaming. My mom was sleeping soundly to one side and another figure was attempting to enter my space on the other side of the bed.  At this point something sharp and pointy was poked into my side and the person whispered in a hoarse, rusty, husky voice “If you scream or say a word, I will kill you!”  I wrinkled my brows thinking “Seriously, this dream, rather nightmare is too real”  So I shifted and lifted myself to see if I was truly sleeping I was rudely awakened to the fact that all this was absolutely real and I was not asleep at all.  He repeated more convincingly “Do not say a word or I WILL KILL YOU” and he began to now rub his hands up my leg all this while prodding and pressing the weapon deeper into my side with his other hand.

I did just the opposite.  I hollered and my mom awoke and jumped for the machete, which we had started sleeping with under the bed ever since we heard about the rapings in the area. She literally flew over us both chopping like crazy at him. She flipped on the lights and he began to wrap himself in the sheets to protect his face since his mask thingy had come off during the shuffle. He began to feel the impact of the machete blows so he reached up and stabbed my mom.  Funny thing is, I saw that he was about to stab her but I was terror-stricken by everything that I froze.  I opened my mouth to say “Watch out Mommy” but no words came out.  It was like “mo…………” and nothing else came out!  When she heard me say that she paused and to look what was wrong with me and got the injury.  The machete fell from her hands and she stumbled on the floor with the impact of the blow and the little culprit’s face was half revealed and that’s when I realized it was the guy from earlier the evening.  He shoved me then bolted through the back door entrance which he had pre opened when he broke in through the side windows. My mom said “Come on baby put on your sweater and shoes. We surely going after him.  How dare he try to mess with my child, humph. He really must be sick in his head or something!!”  

The whole incident was real traumatic for me.  For many days, I could not sleep.  At times I would wake up in the nights sometimes sweating like crazy with panic attacks and anxieties overwhelming me.  We ended in the court and just many tiring, dreary, unwelcomed  hours of trials, missing school and stuff.  He was arrested but it is alleged that his mom – a known woman of influence, bribed the jurors and so he was released instead of locked up permanently. I do not know how true it is.

After his release he would tease me whenever he passed me on the road and stuff like that.  I was so hurting. I felt like God had betrayed us and allowed him to go free.  I was angry with God. REAL UPSET.  I would be intimidated if I knew he was in my area because he and his friends would always be trash talking me and my mom. “Where is your God?  Ha ha.  My god get me off free like a bird. I am the real big man.  Oh yeah” Stuff like that. Sigh.  After about 2 years of fear, embarrassment and frustration, I went to God about it. I told God I felt like He had not cared enough to protect me from his verbal onslaughts {not even thanking Him that I was the only female, he never actually got to rape out of the many}.  I was so mad.  This is what the Lord told me “Vengeance is Mine.  I will repay and when I do, you are going to say to Me ‘Lord, You never had to do away with him like that’. I will repay in My time and My own way”.  I thought seriously “God you are truly working in slow motion”.

Three years following, I was now working and forgot all about it.  I had gotten over my fears and all was normal, whole and healed when I got a phone call from my mom. “Baby guess what?” “I don’t know what, tell me”  “September is dead”  “What?”  “How?  Are you sure?”  “yes.  He was attending a street dance in his area and was hitting on a girl.  The girl’s boyfriend came over and confronted him and they got into a fight.  He was drunk and so when the guy shoved him he backed away but was not able to control his steps.  He backed up right over the side and fell down the two storey building on a huge stone and splattered.  Literally!  His skull opened and brain flew all over the people and blood was everywhere” My eyes popped open and I froze in shock.  “What! Oh my God!  Lord You really never had to do away with him like that….ohhh.  I said it God.  I sure have said it.  Ha ha.  Well whether it was You who have done it or you have just allowed it Lord, It was a real horrible death”.  I hung up the phone and smiled realizing I said the exact words God told me I would’ve said five years ago. Amazing. Although he was so evil, I felt sad at the way he died.

Thinking about it, I figure out why it took so long for God’s vengeance to be performed.  He was giving him a chance to repent for all the injustices he had committed but he never did. He just went on and on with little or no remorse. That’s awful. It’s not God’s will that any should die but that all come to repentance but God can only put up with injustice for so long.  His vengeance is usually so severe that He really hates having to carry it out.  Albeit, He will only put up with wrong doings especially against His children for a time.  He will enact justice and when He does, it is usually well-done.

Many may not agree with the dishes of  justices that God serves up at times.  It leaves a nasty taste in people’s mouth but if my mom hauled me in the cold hours of the morning to chase after the culprit who almost violated her only child, what do you think God would do who is all powerful and loves us more than our earthly parents could ever do?  Think about it!


Appearances can truly be something.  This is an issue that is evident in my everyday life.  I am fairly small in body and  basically look like an average teenager or young adult.  So many times I am mistaken for lots of things I am not. I am always being misjudged, for one reason or another.  Let me give you two examples.

Story one: My husband and I was purchasing pizza one day, but the line was very long and all the seats were filled.  So since we had been walking around a bit the day, I was wary and of course – hungry.  So my husband’s lap seemed a good a place as any to rest while we wait for the pizza to come.  The security guard came over to me and with a look of annoyance commented: “Young girl, get up out of the man’s lap.  Don’t know what’s wrong with you kids these days.  Why can’t you just stand and wait like everyone else”. I laughed.  I am like seriously.  She probably believes I am so kind of upcoming or practising gold digger who is gnawing away at this man’s money and need to display an outward show of affection or passion to apease him for his torrential spending on me. Or maybe I am a rebellious teenager who should be home doing assignments or something like that. I don’t know. Good Lord!

Story two: I was attending my husband’s graduation ceremony and decided to just cuddle on him a little before his departure to the top of the room where I would not see him again, until the end of the usually long and overwhelming ceremony. So while I was there legally propped on my own husband’s shoulder, one of the ushers came over to me and retorts “Young lady, ease up off the gentleman.  Don’t you realise this is his graduation?   Why are you groping on him like that? What is wrong with you?  Leave the man alone”  dwl.  Good Lord! Can you believe it?  I had to answer this time.

I look at him with much attitude and remarked “Are you truly talking to me? My head cocked to one side,  brows turned up  towards the sky and face looking at him in awe at his insolence.  “I certainly am”  He responded with like attitude. I dug deep into my feisty chamber and said “Take a look at this! [holding up my ringer finger on my left hand], do you see this [now pointing at my ring finger of my left hand], this is solid 24 carat gold and all diamonds within.  It was placed on my finger by this man.  The man I am leaning on, or as you say, groping.  He is my husband. HUS-BAAA-NNDDD!”  His jaw fell.  “ohh-hhh, I am s-so-oo sorry, mam!  So sorry. I did not know”  He held his head embarrassingly low to the ground and slowly walked away.  I shook my head in triumph and with more attitude I said “uh huh, So you know.  That oughta hold ya.  Out of order!” {hissed teeth}  I was much less gentle then and needed lots of scrubbing by Jesus.  ha ha ha. Thank Jesus for His blood.  Boy has He loved me into change.

I realise that people tend to judge us by our appearances. I am so glad Jesus doesn’t.  If that was so, David would’ve never been anointed.  He never looked like his brothers, never smelled like them either.  He was sheep-scented and young. Quite young.  God chose him because of his heart and not his clothes or looks. Thank goodness.  I think that is why people are amazed when I minister because they can’t envision this “young little girl” with such a big heart and voice.  It NEVER EVER fails to amaze me when I hear “You are a small axe but you certainly know how to fall many big trees”.  I hear that so often.  Its now become sort of a benediction for me, trust me:-)   They always seem to forget that “God’s grace and anointing + my willingness and obedience =  Endless Possibilities”.  It has nothing to do with my looks or size.

Judging people because of how they look is just totally wrong.  Allow your background conversation to be positive and without judgement when you first come into contact with anyone who does not look the part you expect.  That will translate to your actual words and actions towards them.  Jesus tells us do not judge less you yourself be judged.  Remember the rejected shepherd boy you overlook today, may just be the king that will rule over you tomorrow.

Poison for Breakfast – Part 2

Practicing what we preach is sometimes the hardest part of being a child of God.  I realize that living an exemplary life is the greatest Bible we can give others to read so I try to let my personal life speak loud and clear.  I had to deal with this aspect in terms of drinking poison or not recently.

I had an incident not too long ago, where some real hurtful lies were told on me and unfavourable remarks were passed against my ministry.  I had been praying about confronting the person responsible but still was not sure because I had not totally received an answer from the Lord about it.  Nonetheless, I decided to do so because I was really unsettled in my spirit concerning the entire episode.  I knew I would see the person at a particular service I had to attend so I prayed again and planned that after the service, we would surely natter about the matter.  I went inside sat and prepared to listen to the word when I got a bombshell.  Guess who was the speaker?   Good Lord!  I could not believe it.  I began to twist and turn in my seat. The whole incident began to churn in my heart and my face immediately revealed it.  My breathing became long and gaspy.  My face half wrinkled and my brows knitted tighter than a grandmother’s sweater of love for a grandchild. Oh Jesus!

When we were told to stand and receive the speaker I unwillingly and unenthusiastically stood to my feet all the time not facing the person because I really did not want to look in the person’s face.  It was hard, so hard.  All the time my thoughts were raging “This person does not deserve my standing ovation because this person is a wicked, evil liar”. I stood nonetheless.  Then we were told to put our hands together to welcome the speaker. Arrgghh.  Good Lord! SERIOUSLY! I was boiling to my bones. Then I remembered that people are always watching me and my facial expressions wherever I go.  My husband is my protector in many respects. As I mature in the Lord, he helped my facial expressions and protected me and a speaker by whispering “Baby your face is not saying something nice.  Please fix  it”.  So I recognized that especially young people would watch me intensely in their moments of insecurity and uncertainty.   They once told me that when they are doubtful if a person is “right or wrong” they would look at me and depending on the look on my face they would respond accordingly.  That was news to me then. I was really horrified because I did not know my face gave away so much information.   Therefore since that day I developed a neutral look so they can listen for themselves and deduce whether or not a speaker is “right or wrong”.  This day I was totally caught off guard. Oh geez, what if they’re seeing my face they would know I disapproved of the speaker.  So I masked my feelings and clapped with a little more soul all the while really mad in my heart.  I had poured out the poison and was sipping it bit by bit.  They weren’t huge gulps just sips like you do your hot coffee. That kills even slower with more sting in every sip.

When I sat, I began to feel the pricking of the Holy Spirit.  I sighed and began to pray. “Oh Father, I know my behavior is at this moment quite ungodly.  I am not displaying the righteousness of God. I really need your help. I need to forgive this person but it feels so awful for all the wrongs that was done to me I really don’t want to forgive but I know I need to so please, please, please help me”. I pleaded. I was just through saying the last word of the prayer when the person acknowledged my presence. “It’s very good to have Pastor Lewinson here today.  Welcome Pastor”.  I half smiled and waved to the congregation. I thought “Just Kill Me Already Why Don’t You”.  I began to pray again.  “Father please, pretty please help me put my feelings aside so I can listen to the Word and hear what You may have to say today”.  I took a long deep breath, held my head up and looked towards the podium. I said in my heart “I am going to listen and behave no matter how I feel or the nasty things I think about this person. I am going to listen and have a good attitude”.  I felt like something was churning in my stomach when I thought it.  So I said it again but this time out under my breath “I AM GOING TO BEHAVE MYSELF AND LISTEN”.  I sighed again and put my kicking, screaming body under subjection. The poison had begun to leak from my breakfast.  Boy it was as painful as the aches I feel regarding the things the person said about me and the ministry.  I fastened my eyes in the direction of the podium and decided I will listen.

I really did not know when exactly I stopped hurting. I just realized that I was no longer forcing myself to listen or smile and even laugh at the jokes that were cracked.  All I know was that the pain in my heart had subsided and I no longer felt like I wanted to strangle the person.  After the person was through and I noticed my reactions, I thought “wow the human will along with the power of God can do great wonders”. 

Listen friend, I know that it’s hard to forgive but trust me, it is much better.  Less stress on your heart, mind and body; Literally!  Not only should we do so because Jesus loves us enough to forgive us in spite of all our sins but simply because it is healthier. Do not allow anyone to cause you to have poison for breakfast, lunch or dinner because remember they won’t die – you will.