Tonight I wish I could be anything but real. Sigh. Well I am known for me just being me – true to myself. So if I did anything other, it’d be unlike me. I am just forth right and simply speak as it is and that’s exactly what I am gonna do right now. *Heavy Sigh*
I am in a new season, a new day that scares me greatly. Sigh. Its uncomfortable, unfamiliar and unwanted if I may say so myself. *Long sigh*. When God says he’s making things new in Isaiah I believe I am fully aware experientially to what He’s refererring as it concerns my own life. I am frustrated, sad, upset, hurt and even a little angry at my Father for not just allowing it to happen, but instigating it and the hurdles it entails. I am upset, I am indeed! Trust me 😦
Why? Well because I feel so alone (even though I know I am not) going through this period of moulding and shaping in my life that’s supposed to take me to a higher spiritual level in His kingdom and expand my influence for His glory here on earth. I know “photos are developed in dark room” and “darkest hours are before dawn” and the related analogies of inspiring fixations. However, they – as comforting as they should be, really aren’t giving me peace of any form or solace within at all. In fact presently they annoy me because they sound so cliched at the moment (truthful as they actually are in physicality). Maybe I am not allowing them to help comfort me because I am so confused and bewildered. I WANT OUT! I want to be moulded already and I want to be shaped already and I want to be at the next level and at the next place in Him already. I JUST WANT OUT! (For crying out loud) Jesus are you listening? I WANT OUT!!
I am tired, exhausted, weary and overwhelmed. The worst part of it all is that He refuses (in His wisdom) to unveil the next step. I have no idea how long this process will take and that aggravates me more than the process itself. All I am hearing is how much He’s doing something new. [Sheesh, rolling my eyes]. If I hear that statement one more time I believe I will loose it. Trust me. “I want out. I want the old familiar path, this is too difficult and painful” my flesh keeps saying ALL day, every day and my spirit rebuffs “it’s hard but you’ll get through because it will all work for your good, for God’s glory and to bless others”. This is the constant battle that’s ragging in my mind ever since this process commenced. I feel like am literally being torn in the two directions. Sometimes it’s so bad I get a headache. I mean literally. *sad sigh*
I know my Jesus works all things well and all things new [another of the infamous lines He keeps repeating in my ear]. I do want to be purged like the silversmith purges silver, I do want to be processed like gold but the fire burns, it burns deep and long. It’s uncomfortable and undesired to my flesh but then if it wasn’t how would I be purified? How? *sigh*
My one desire at the moment is that you remember me in your prayers. I feel like I’m drowning in my own tears. Feel like David who said “tears were his meat day and night”. Feels like the process is unending and I won’t survive. I know he’s began a new thing and will be faithful to complete it as His word says. Truth is deep within, I know I need it for myself, for the ministry, for my family, for those in need…. Even though its painful and difficult it breathes maturity, patience, endurance and produces God’s glory.
Thinking about it, I DON’T WANT OUT JESUS... I just want strength, patience, courage and faith to remain in the process and come out as “perfect” as You desire Lord.
Pray for me, please…